Rules for Dating:
Remember:
1. Talk about your penis, a lot - (girls love this).
2. Talk about how good you are in bed (this will sexually excite a woman, making it more likely that you get laid quicker, thus saving you money on buying her drinks at the bar).
3. Use clever phrases such as, "Lets go halves on a baby" or "Lets get naked and see whose stronger"
4. Compliment the female on how pretty she looks (even if she's not) Basically, lie your ass off. (Your never going to get her in the sack if you tell her she looks like a bag of oatmeal.
5. Ask questions about her. (Woman love to hear themselves talk, and they love it even more when they talk about themselves). If she's not like this, then she has nothing to talk about because she has no personality. Excuse yourself right away if this is the case and go use the Restroom...don't come back.
6. Don't eat anything for dinner that's going to complicate oral sex. No one likes to have their privates smelling like onions and garlic; its tastes and smells bad enough down there already.
7. Point out other people's flaws around you. Point and laugh excessively as you do this. She'll admire your keen observations and sense of humor.
8. Don't coddle her...make her work for you affections. You can demonstrate this by purchasing drinks for other woman in the bar, and not for the woman you're with.
9. Get her drunk. (Do I really need to explain this one).
10. Get drunk yourself, so you can deny any wrongdoing the next day, and blame it all on the booze, as any good citizen would do.
11. If you haven't gotten any action, and its past 10pm, you need to lie even more. Sell yourself dammit! Tell her besides an enormous penis that you saved a child from a burning fire one time, and saved the child’s' kitty and teddy bear too!
12. Buy her another drink.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
ARCANE ADVICE
Patience: If you're looking for a parking spot and someone is trying to parallel park in front of you, and you cannot pass – give them 3 tries to attempt to park. If they cannot get in on the third attempt than they do not deserve another chance and should admit they suck and drive off living with their shame. If they do not, start flashing your high beams and honking your horn repeatedly – the other driver will no doubt already be nervous, frustrated, and perhaps even embarrassed, so the honking and flashing will most likely increase these emotions and make them leave so you can grab the spot. Victory!
Chivalry: If your out with your friends, and you run into a hot, young girl who looks like she’s ready to go home with anybody (especially you), and all her friends have seemingly ditched her, it is not okay to take her home and treat her like a pair of old gym socks when your 100% sober (according to women). However, there are always exceptions to this rule – such as if you are as hammered as she is, you should be allowed to make it with her (that is if you can get it up in a stupendously drunken state); Or, if you haven’t had sex like in along time, like over a week. But, you should really find out who she is and make sure someone’s there to take her home (yes, someone that knows her). If a guy comes up like two years older then her and says she’s her brother, ask him to prove it; if the bar staff just wants to kick her out, call the police. If she’s that drunk, she deserves a night in County to sleep it off (worst things can happen to her then some nasty lesbian sex, and I don’t really consider that a bad thing).
Wait, if she's over 18 then forget everything I said and fuck her hard.
Cooking: Learn to cook at least a few dishes; macaroni and cheese, a grilled cheese, and a ham sandwich do not count. Try to cook a few times a week, its probably better then eating out, even if you mess up a few times and need to start from scratch. If someone in your family is a good cook, hang out with them and learn as much as you can; plus, you get free food. Most things aren’t that hard, you don’t need to get fancy – you can just sprinkle most meats and fishes with a seasoning you like and stick it in most ovens for 350-400 degrees for 25-35 minutes (the thicker the meat, the longer it stays in)…just like sex.
Listening: In most cases, if someone didn’t hear what you said, it could be because they didn’t hear you, but more realistically they weren’t listening to you because whatever you said had no purpose, interesting qualities, and you were most likely lucky that you weren’t punched in the face for being so unoriginally boring.
Courage: It doesn’t come in a bottle or having tough friends around.
Temper: Letting your temper out is like taking a huge dump, it can be messy, but you feel so much better when its out. Just don't shit all over something when a fart will do.
Family: It doesn’t always have to be by blood, but as long as you keep and hold close connections with people, be it friends, neighbors, distant family – surround yourself with them, they are more valuable then your TV or any jewelry you own. And, if you’re an annoying asshole like me, your really lucky to have them put up with your shit.
Music: Not everyone likes your crappy cd collection – offer to put the radio on when driving friends or family – your grandmother might not be into the Insane Clown Posse!
Dating: Generally, dinner is a bad first date…not because it will save you money (that’s just a side benefit), but because people are generally nervous on a first date, and watching strangers eat is just not normal or a turn on (unless your one of those people who get turned on by the food channel). Plus, whose going to want to kiss you after they just saw what you ate…that breath mint ain’t doing shit! Try doing something in the afternoon, that involves going somewhere like a museum, or a park – its simple, cheap, and if you don’t like them, excuse yourself to the restroom and hop a cab.
Rejection: We’re not taught how to deal with rejection. They’ll teach you how to put a condom on but no one ever tries teaching you how do deal with rejection, until after it happens. Know this, just because someone didn’t like you, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you – have a bit of confidence and understand this, we all don’t mesh together – go to the Middle East sometime, or Northern Ireland and you’ll know what I mean. People are just people, all different, but you’ll eventually find someone who likes you for you – just suck it up and get drunk with the rest of us in the meantime – that’s what bars are for. But, if this pattern repeats more then three times, then you might just be a big fucking loser, deal with it. Get a self help book and start masturbating more.
Etiquette: I don’t have any, but I know it doesn’t involve farting or burping on the first few dates, or at least until after you have sex, then you can feel free to blast one in her face after you shoot a map of Hawaii on her back.
Quiet: Silence is the golden rule, and not just at the movies…trying having a cup of shut the fudge up once in a while. And, giving your partner the silent treatment when you are mad at them is not what I mean. Just shut up once and a while and enjoy the silence. Sometimes when you talk, you sound like an annoying fuck.
Orgasms: Stop watching TV, and start doing research on what gets you off – hey, it may be work in the beginning, but as with all things, good things cum to those who wait! Pun intended. But, get a partner first, or at least have a dry towel ready.
Judgment: Don’t judge lest be judged and all that good stuff. Hey, your not perfect, no one is, we can all improve – point out others shortcomings doesn’t make you a good observer, it makes you a good asshole. Wisdom comes through understanding, understanding we are all in it together will hopefully make you less judgmental. But, if someone cuts you off in traffic then they are an asshole, and you should take the time to follow them home and let them know it.
Relaxation: Try it!
Masturbation: Try this too!
Dieting: It involves exercise too, and counting carbs is not an exercise.
Exercise: Walking doesn’t count if your already out of shape.
Reading: it’s not just for people in school.
Television: Reality shows are not real.
Clothing: Put some on! Don't stand around in the locker room at the gym and expect me to carry a conversation while your 65 year old balls are air drying.
Hobbies: TV shouldn’t be one of them.
Dancing: The biggest reason people don’t dance is because they are afraid of how silly others think they look. Just jump around and have a good time; motion creates emotion. You don’t get much joy out of just standing there do you? When was the last time you bragged about what a good time you had standing at the club all night? Shake your ass, no matter how big you think it is, just have fun.
Caffeine: You don’t need it; do everything you can to wean yourself off it, not matter how long it takes. Normally, a nice piece of fruit and a glass of cold water is enough to get you going and an apple will give you more energy then a cup of coffee (plus you won’t crash). You get headaches when you have a lack of caffeine in you, and yes, caffeine does take away your headaches, but it is the same thing that causes them; it’s a vicious circle.
Depression: Get over it you fucking loser.
Death: Don’t mourn it – celebrate life instead. If you have ever lost a loved one, the last thing they’d want is for you to suffer; So, let out a big cry, and get on with your life…make them proud – they are watching and will see you again. But, if your just depressed the rest of you life, they probably aren’t watching over you because you such a drag. Actually, you do a disservice to the departed by mourning them all the time instead of acting like them and spreading their joy…but, your too busy being a fucking whiny loser to think of it like this.
Pictures: Evidence that fat people look bad in spandex.
Children: Don’t have any, or you get a disobedient fuck like me.
Information: it’s out there so don’t be afraid to ask. You’ll feel more stupid when you endeavor to do something you don’t have a clue to what you are doing, messing it up, and making things ten times harder for yourself. It’s okay, you’re not that smart, but no worries, you are not alone.
Cheating: Taxes, spouses, and exams are considered not okay, but cheating in the drinking game of ‘asshole’ is the only assured way you will not be the asshole all night long.
Mosh Pits: Unless you know how to handle yourself, I don’t advise going in by yourself. And Bon Jovi concerts don’t count. Bring at least 5 friends with you that will either pick you up or keep you from getting trampled on – because sooner or later, you’ll go down, especially if booze are involved. A boot to the head can cause permanent damage. I’ve been booted in the head many too once.
Intelligence: Try using it from time to time.
Breathing: Umm, if you forget how, you probably have a really severe case of, what’s that thing called when you can’t remember anything. I went swimming in the ocean one time, while there was a hurricane off the coast that was creating really large waves; I was getting so caught up in everything, I was forgetting to breathe. Slow down, and take some deep breathes, you find it moderately soothing…and this shit will seriously keep you alive.
The Funky Chicken: Do this dance, at least once in your lifetime. And do it sober. Your not being funny doing the Funky Chicken drunk, unless you fall flat on your ass doing it.
Sleep: you probably don’t need as much as they tell you – you should probably have more sex – it normally helps you sleep better.
Hand Lotion: On Hands Before bed, okay. Before driving, not okay.
Stairs: Don’t fall down them –gravity’s a bitch.
Drunk: Ask around, find out who you are when you’re drunk – alcohol doesn’t always bring out the best in us. Friends, let friends know they are a complete embarrassment when they drink; it may help them stop. If they are outrageously funny, then get them another drink.
Opinions: It’s nice that you have them, we all do, just don’t believe everything you think, if it’s an opinion, chances are, not everyone agrees with you, and they may actually mock you behind your back for having such foolish thoughts, especially when you try forcing those opinions as law. Example: You think your kid’s the best in the world, while I think he’s just another kid and there’s nothing particularly special about the way he licks the window.
Perspective: A perspective is like an opinion, except you understand that it is only one possibility of looking at a given situation or topic, and that your perspective is likely to have other possibilities, and that you are open to hear them. It’s easier to change your perspective, where most people who have opinions think of them as more of facts they live their lives around and it controls their thought process and does not allow new perspectives to enter their mind. These people are idiots, and you are most likely one of them.
69: Don't do this after eating Mexican food. One of the last things you want is a bean burritto blasted in your face.
Chivalry: If your out with your friends, and you run into a hot, young girl who looks like she’s ready to go home with anybody (especially you), and all her friends have seemingly ditched her, it is not okay to take her home and treat her like a pair of old gym socks when your 100% sober (according to women). However, there are always exceptions to this rule – such as if you are as hammered as she is, you should be allowed to make it with her (that is if you can get it up in a stupendously drunken state); Or, if you haven’t had sex like in along time, like over a week. But, you should really find out who she is and make sure someone’s there to take her home (yes, someone that knows her). If a guy comes up like two years older then her and says she’s her brother, ask him to prove it; if the bar staff just wants to kick her out, call the police. If she’s that drunk, she deserves a night in County to sleep it off (worst things can happen to her then some nasty lesbian sex, and I don’t really consider that a bad thing).
Wait, if she's over 18 then forget everything I said and fuck her hard.
Cooking: Learn to cook at least a few dishes; macaroni and cheese, a grilled cheese, and a ham sandwich do not count. Try to cook a few times a week, its probably better then eating out, even if you mess up a few times and need to start from scratch. If someone in your family is a good cook, hang out with them and learn as much as you can; plus, you get free food. Most things aren’t that hard, you don’t need to get fancy – you can just sprinkle most meats and fishes with a seasoning you like and stick it in most ovens for 350-400 degrees for 25-35 minutes (the thicker the meat, the longer it stays in)…just like sex.
Listening: In most cases, if someone didn’t hear what you said, it could be because they didn’t hear you, but more realistically they weren’t listening to you because whatever you said had no purpose, interesting qualities, and you were most likely lucky that you weren’t punched in the face for being so unoriginally boring.
Courage: It doesn’t come in a bottle or having tough friends around.
Temper: Letting your temper out is like taking a huge dump, it can be messy, but you feel so much better when its out. Just don't shit all over something when a fart will do.
Family: It doesn’t always have to be by blood, but as long as you keep and hold close connections with people, be it friends, neighbors, distant family – surround yourself with them, they are more valuable then your TV or any jewelry you own. And, if you’re an annoying asshole like me, your really lucky to have them put up with your shit.
Music: Not everyone likes your crappy cd collection – offer to put the radio on when driving friends or family – your grandmother might not be into the Insane Clown Posse!
Dating: Generally, dinner is a bad first date…not because it will save you money (that’s just a side benefit), but because people are generally nervous on a first date, and watching strangers eat is just not normal or a turn on (unless your one of those people who get turned on by the food channel). Plus, whose going to want to kiss you after they just saw what you ate…that breath mint ain’t doing shit! Try doing something in the afternoon, that involves going somewhere like a museum, or a park – its simple, cheap, and if you don’t like them, excuse yourself to the restroom and hop a cab.
Rejection: We’re not taught how to deal with rejection. They’ll teach you how to put a condom on but no one ever tries teaching you how do deal with rejection, until after it happens. Know this, just because someone didn’t like you, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you – have a bit of confidence and understand this, we all don’t mesh together – go to the Middle East sometime, or Northern Ireland and you’ll know what I mean. People are just people, all different, but you’ll eventually find someone who likes you for you – just suck it up and get drunk with the rest of us in the meantime – that’s what bars are for. But, if this pattern repeats more then three times, then you might just be a big fucking loser, deal with it. Get a self help book and start masturbating more.
Etiquette: I don’t have any, but I know it doesn’t involve farting or burping on the first few dates, or at least until after you have sex, then you can feel free to blast one in her face after you shoot a map of Hawaii on her back.
Quiet: Silence is the golden rule, and not just at the movies…trying having a cup of shut the fudge up once in a while. And, giving your partner the silent treatment when you are mad at them is not what I mean. Just shut up once and a while and enjoy the silence. Sometimes when you talk, you sound like an annoying fuck.
Orgasms: Stop watching TV, and start doing research on what gets you off – hey, it may be work in the beginning, but as with all things, good things cum to those who wait! Pun intended. But, get a partner first, or at least have a dry towel ready.
Judgment: Don’t judge lest be judged and all that good stuff. Hey, your not perfect, no one is, we can all improve – point out others shortcomings doesn’t make you a good observer, it makes you a good asshole. Wisdom comes through understanding, understanding we are all in it together will hopefully make you less judgmental. But, if someone cuts you off in traffic then they are an asshole, and you should take the time to follow them home and let them know it.
Relaxation: Try it!
Masturbation: Try this too!
Dieting: It involves exercise too, and counting carbs is not an exercise.
Exercise: Walking doesn’t count if your already out of shape.
Reading: it’s not just for people in school.
Television: Reality shows are not real.
Clothing: Put some on! Don't stand around in the locker room at the gym and expect me to carry a conversation while your 65 year old balls are air drying.
Hobbies: TV shouldn’t be one of them.
Dancing: The biggest reason people don’t dance is because they are afraid of how silly others think they look. Just jump around and have a good time; motion creates emotion. You don’t get much joy out of just standing there do you? When was the last time you bragged about what a good time you had standing at the club all night? Shake your ass, no matter how big you think it is, just have fun.
Caffeine: You don’t need it; do everything you can to wean yourself off it, not matter how long it takes. Normally, a nice piece of fruit and a glass of cold water is enough to get you going and an apple will give you more energy then a cup of coffee (plus you won’t crash). You get headaches when you have a lack of caffeine in you, and yes, caffeine does take away your headaches, but it is the same thing that causes them; it’s a vicious circle.
Depression: Get over it you fucking loser.
Death: Don’t mourn it – celebrate life instead. If you have ever lost a loved one, the last thing they’d want is for you to suffer; So, let out a big cry, and get on with your life…make them proud – they are watching and will see you again. But, if your just depressed the rest of you life, they probably aren’t watching over you because you such a drag. Actually, you do a disservice to the departed by mourning them all the time instead of acting like them and spreading their joy…but, your too busy being a fucking whiny loser to think of it like this.
Pictures: Evidence that fat people look bad in spandex.
Children: Don’t have any, or you get a disobedient fuck like me.
Information: it’s out there so don’t be afraid to ask. You’ll feel more stupid when you endeavor to do something you don’t have a clue to what you are doing, messing it up, and making things ten times harder for yourself. It’s okay, you’re not that smart, but no worries, you are not alone.
Cheating: Taxes, spouses, and exams are considered not okay, but cheating in the drinking game of ‘asshole’ is the only assured way you will not be the asshole all night long.
Mosh Pits: Unless you know how to handle yourself, I don’t advise going in by yourself. And Bon Jovi concerts don’t count. Bring at least 5 friends with you that will either pick you up or keep you from getting trampled on – because sooner or later, you’ll go down, especially if booze are involved. A boot to the head can cause permanent damage. I’ve been booted in the head many too once.
Intelligence: Try using it from time to time.
Breathing: Umm, if you forget how, you probably have a really severe case of, what’s that thing called when you can’t remember anything. I went swimming in the ocean one time, while there was a hurricane off the coast that was creating really large waves; I was getting so caught up in everything, I was forgetting to breathe. Slow down, and take some deep breathes, you find it moderately soothing…and this shit will seriously keep you alive.
The Funky Chicken: Do this dance, at least once in your lifetime. And do it sober. Your not being funny doing the Funky Chicken drunk, unless you fall flat on your ass doing it.
Sleep: you probably don’t need as much as they tell you – you should probably have more sex – it normally helps you sleep better.
Hand Lotion: On Hands Before bed, okay. Before driving, not okay.
Stairs: Don’t fall down them –gravity’s a bitch.
Drunk: Ask around, find out who you are when you’re drunk – alcohol doesn’t always bring out the best in us. Friends, let friends know they are a complete embarrassment when they drink; it may help them stop. If they are outrageously funny, then get them another drink.
Opinions: It’s nice that you have them, we all do, just don’t believe everything you think, if it’s an opinion, chances are, not everyone agrees with you, and they may actually mock you behind your back for having such foolish thoughts, especially when you try forcing those opinions as law. Example: You think your kid’s the best in the world, while I think he’s just another kid and there’s nothing particularly special about the way he licks the window.
Perspective: A perspective is like an opinion, except you understand that it is only one possibility of looking at a given situation or topic, and that your perspective is likely to have other possibilities, and that you are open to hear them. It’s easier to change your perspective, where most people who have opinions think of them as more of facts they live their lives around and it controls their thought process and does not allow new perspectives to enter their mind. These people are idiots, and you are most likely one of them.
69: Don't do this after eating Mexican food. One of the last things you want is a bean burritto blasted in your face.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Two Looks??
Apparently I have two looks according to some people I know...
#1. (Most Popular) - Blank Look
#2. Sinister a.k.a. Evil Smile
Ok, I get number one agreeably, but number two I don't get.
Plus, I know I have
the 'F.U. I didn't sleep well look',
the 'Crazy Eye Drunk Look',
and finally the 'I know I justed farted hope you don't smell it look' along with so many other endearing looks, such as...
'Did I just fuck that last night look'
'OMG are you seriously not going to suck my cock after watching "The Notebook" with you look'
'Bitch your kid is annoying as hell look'
'WTF are you talking about you stupid inbred fuck look'
'Yes, I'll have more food you lousy host; wtf did you think I drove all this way for, a two ounce piece of pork and a spoonful of peas look'
and
'J.C.! Did I just pop a boner in church look'
But, again, 'the blank expression' a.k.a. 'I don't have a phucking clue what's going on look' is my go to look.
#1. (Most Popular) - Blank Look
#2. Sinister a.k.a. Evil Smile
Ok, I get number one agreeably, but number two I don't get.
Plus, I know I have
the 'F.U. I didn't sleep well look',
the 'Crazy Eye Drunk Look',
and finally the 'I know I justed farted hope you don't smell it look' along with so many other endearing looks, such as...
'Did I just fuck that last night look'
'OMG are you seriously not going to suck my cock after watching "The Notebook" with you look'
'Bitch your kid is annoying as hell look'
'WTF are you talking about you stupid inbred fuck look'
'Yes, I'll have more food you lousy host; wtf did you think I drove all this way for, a two ounce piece of pork and a spoonful of peas look'
and
'J.C.! Did I just pop a boner in church look'
But, again, 'the blank expression' a.k.a. 'I don't have a phucking clue what's going on look' is my go to look.
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